Holding Space: Why Doing Less Can Mean So Much More in Therapy

When we think about therapy, many of us imagine busy sessions filled with activities, data collection, and progress tracking. We are trained to keep things moving, to prove that learning is happening, and to make sure every minute “counts.” But what if the most powerful thing we can do is not to add more, but to pause? What if holding space is the most important part of therapy?

This was the heart of my very first Lunch and Learn session, where I invited therapists to consider what happens when we stop rushing and start trusting. And the truth is, holding space is not about doing less, it is about doing differently. It is about creating conditions where children feel safe enough to truly connect, learn, and grow.

What Does Holding Space Really Mean?

Holding space in therapy is not passive. It is not “doing nothing.” It is an intentional act of presence. It communicates: I am here. I can wait. I trust you.

It might look like pausing instead of filling a silence. It might look like waiting for a child to hand you a toy instead of prompting them straight away. It might look like breathing alongside a child while they find their own way into play or words.

This approach shifts us from performance to presence. It says: you don’t need to prove yourself to me. You don’t need to keep up with my pace. We can rest in this moment together.

Why Holding Space Matters

Children, especially neurodivergent children, are exquisitely tuned to our pace and pressure. They notice whether we are rushing them along or truly with them. And here is the key: before a child can learn, their nervous system needs to feel safe. Not just physically safe, but emotionally safe.

When therapy is hurried, children can feel judged, corrected, or pushed into places they are not ready for. Over time, that can lead to resistance, withdrawal, or masking. But when we hold space, we give children the chance to arrive at their own pace. We make room for genuine connection.

One of the most beautiful examples of this happened in a session where a child began playing with trains. I sat back, waited, and joined only when invited. After some time, he leaned his whole body against mine. That lean was not just about proximity. It was a sign of deep trust, his nervous system saying: I feel safe with you. That moment mattered more than any worksheet or word repetition could have.

The Science: Polyvagal Theory and Felt Safety

Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory helps us understand why holding space is so powerful. He describes how our nervous systems are constantly scanning the environment for cues of safety or danger, a process called neuroception. Before a child can think about learning, their body is asking: Am I safe here?

If the answer is yes, their system can shift into connection and learning. If the answer is no, survival takes over, fight, flight, or shutdown. This is why Porges says: “Safety is the treatment.” Safety is not an add-on, it is the foundation of therapy itself.

Polyvagal theory also explains co-regulation. Children borrow regulation from the safe adults around them before they can build it for themselves. This is not something we teach with a worksheet, it is a biological process. When we slow down, breathe, and stay present, we become that safe anchor. We say with our presence: you are safe here, and I can wait with you.

Holding Space Through the Neurodiversity Affirming Framework

In my Neurodiversity Affirming Practice Framework, holding space shows up across all four pillars:

Foundations – At its core, holding space is about trusting the child’s pace. It means choosing presence over performance, and believing that being with them is enough.

Transformations – For many therapists, the shift is in slowing down. We have been trained to keep sessions busy and to collect visible data. The transformation is resisting that push and instead modelling what it looks like to move at a human pace.

Connections – Holding space strengthens relationships. When we sit unhurried, we say: you are safe here, I am not pushing you. That is where co-regulation happens. That is where trust grows.

Reflections – Progress is not only measured in words spoken or tasks completed. Progress can look like a child relaxing their shoulders, choosing to stay in the room, or leaning into connection. These subtle moments tell us: safety is here.

The Power of Journaling and Reflection

One of the ways we can deepen our practice of holding space is by journaling. Taking a few minutes after a session to reflect can help us notice those subtle but powerful signs of safety and connection that might otherwise be overlooked. Was the child more relaxed today? Did they invite me into play in a new way? Did I allow enough pauses for them to find their own rhythm?

To support you in building this habit, I have created a free downloadable handout of reflection prompts you can use after your sessions. These prompts will guide you to slow down, notice the small shifts, and celebrate the moments that matter most.

Download the free handout here

What Holding Space Looks Like in Practice

So how does this translate into therapy or daily life at home?

• Pause before responding – Instead of jumping in the moment a child hesitates, silently count to five. That pause communicates: I believe in you. Take your time.

• Wait for the invitation – Rather than directing play, sit alongside and let the child invite you in. This honours their autonomy and builds trust.

• Notice the small signs – A shift in posture, a longer gaze, a spontaneous smile. These subtle cues are powerful indicators of safety and connection.

Closing Reflections

Holding space is not about stepping back, it is about stepping in differently. It is about creating a therapy space where safety, trust, and connection come first. Because without safety, strategies simply will not land. And with it? Even the quietest moments can become the most transformative.

As therapists and parents, we do not need to fill every silence or rush every step. We can choose to sit in the stillness, trusting that in those pauses, something profound is happening. We are saying: I see you. I am with you. And I can wait.

If you are a therapist wanting to explore more ways to embed these affirming practices in your work, I would love for you to join me in the Lunch and Learn Series. When you sign up, you will get immediate access to this full session and all upcoming sessions released fortnightly. It is a beautiful way to keep learning, reflecting, and bringing neurodiversity affirming practice to life.

Lastly, enjoy a quick highlight from the whole video: